dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
