i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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