So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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