I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
