Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
