worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
