How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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