I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
