apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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