oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
