if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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