I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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