One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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