I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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