My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
