Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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