so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
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