I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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