dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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