so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
