billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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