You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
True college students do jello shots in the library
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