Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I wear drunk well.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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