i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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