Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
BRING THE BAGELS
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
