i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I've blown a few things in my day
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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