I'm gonna have a badass scar
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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