after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
