Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
