FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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