I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Randomize
