My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
