My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i would punch a child for taco bell
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Randomize
