I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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