My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
