I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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