I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
