I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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