When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
