R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
