The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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