i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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