I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
