I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Randomize
