Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
