Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
