I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
