don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
