It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
