letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
tell me about the eggs
Randomize