So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
