babies were throwing up all over the place
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Still dying that you shit outside
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
