just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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