I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
3pm strippers are depressing
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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