I just threw up on my dentist
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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