I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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