How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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