We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize